Man jokes
Man, your hairline is so bad it started from the beginning of the month to the end!
My dick harder than stone, man.
Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?
Kid: I don't know why.
Man: Because they have a family plan.
Kid: Well, I need to get another phone service now.
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
What do you call getting assaulted by a gay man? Fruit punch.
What did the man say when he knocked down the bookshelf?
Looks like I've only got myself to blame...
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A man with a drum.
"Well, tell him to beat it!"
Three men are working on a building site.
Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
"By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
"Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Every day, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself."
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
"I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself."
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
"If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches," says the first man’s wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches," says the second man’s wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches," says the third man’s wife, "but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"
What does a man with 20 children do now?
Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.
Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"
Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*
One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.
Five years later, he came back and left again.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"
Why do gay men hate periods? Because they per Collins.
I put glue in a man :)
Two gay men walk into a bar. One of them turned to the other and said, "Hey, what do you say we get out of here?"
My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).
All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.
What do you call it when a man named Ned works at Panera Bread?
Panera Ned.
I'm on a roll with my jokes, right now!
Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!