Husband Jokes

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. -- Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.


My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said You better comeback with a goddamn sandwich

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ̈You look like a million pounds! ̈ The wife divorced him.


I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

My whife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said: 'You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!'


Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.


The Wife said "Honey! Do you like my new Teeth?"

The Husband replied "They remind me of stars Darling!" "Yellow and Far apart"

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”


A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick, but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! Thats not going to help!" She said. "Sure it does." he said. "Its the only way i can see the numbers."


Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.

Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.

Hey Siri, where is my dad? Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen! Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. ...WhAT-

Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”