Man jokes

Man, all these jokes suck. They're horri-puning.

A man and a boy went into a forest. The boy said he was scared. The man said, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

A rich man and a poor man are talking about anniversaries. The rich man got his wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring. He says if the wife does not like the ring, she can take the Mercedes and leave.

The poor man said he got his wife slippers and a dildo. He says if his wife does not like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.

One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."

The other said, "Really? I like my bed."

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Worst joke ever.

Your hairline's so far back, you need binoculars to see it.

Man, your hairline is so far back, archaeologists couldn't find it.

What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?

It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

If a woman’s version of marriage is "happy wife, happy life," but statistically men are more likely to kill themselves, so who should be making who happy?

Then a man’s is "happy husband, don’t get bludgeoned."

I used to have a girlfriend who would argue with me a lot for no reason. I look at her feet and say to her, "Here is £15, give yourself a foot pedicure, then come back to me. It clearly shows you have man feet. You are a woman; you should have woman feet. No wonder you boss me around too much as if you're the man of the house."

A man was reported stealing a bar of soap from a corner store. The police concluded that he made a clean getaway.

To you, Iron Man may seem cool or awesome, but to me, he is pretty ironic.

I always felt like a man trapped in a woman's body. But then I was born.

But in my defense, I was young then, and I had a womb without a view.

Once upon a time, a man said to a woman, "I want to fuck you."

Why did he kill himself?

Because he is adopted to a fat man who farts.

Man: Oi, dude, why did you shoot the orphans!?

Other man: Because.

Man: Because why!?

Other man: Because who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

A man assaulted me with milk, cheese, and butter.

How dairy!

I was riding my bike when I saw a man's head in the wheel. It was mine.

What do you call a fat Chinese man?

A double chinkey.

What do you do when your man doesn't like fruit jokes?

Let the mango.

Why did the man say chickens were lucky?

Because they get killed and eaten.