Man Jokes

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

WTF is going on in texas

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.

I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

Why do some men call their testicles "bells"? Because it's next to their "ding-dong."

Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"

A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."

A man gets an email from his doctor.

"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."

The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.

Cheer on the rapist if you want.

A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.

Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"

Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."

Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"

Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.

Why was the depressed man happy in food-tech?

He got to cut himself.

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."