Kill jokes

What's one thing a homing missile can't kill?

An orphan.

You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.

Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot.

Everyone else in the office: 😱

Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.

Why are cigarettes good for the environment?

They kill people.

2,996 kill streak, boom!

If you have an emo kid army, they'll kill themselves before they get to the field.

I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."

Chuck Norris is so immortal, even he killed Death.

Why would a dead guy lie?

Because he can't stand up.

Why did the math book kill itself?

It had too many problems.

This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

I just killed a family of five.

Now I’m an orphan.

Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”

Kid: “Whatever!”

Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”

Kid: “Doesn't matter!”

Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”

Kid: “Oh well!”

Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”

Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎

Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.

*looks up*

Oh, never mind.

If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.

If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.