Kill jokes
Why did the math book kill itself?
It had too many problems.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
Why would a dead guy lie?
Because he can't stand up.
You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.
Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot.
Everyone else in the office: 😱
For Da Boys
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
Depressed procrastinators feel like they wanna kill themselves sometime soon.
If you have an emo kid army, they'll kill themselves before they get to the field.
I was playing Warzone last night, and I shot my teammate that said they were emo. When I shot him, another player did, and it said "assist kill."
Chuck Norris is so immortal, even he killed Death.
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
How To Kill A Blonde 101:
First Step: Get a pool.
Second Step: Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom.
This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
I just killed a family of five.
Now I’m an orphan.
If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.
If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.
Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”
Kid: “Whatever!”
Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”
Kid: “Doesn't matter!”
Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”
Kid: “Oh well!”
Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”
Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”
What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?
Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎
So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.
The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"