My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

When you’re fucking your boss’s daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

John : hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming

Boss: u stated in ur job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am

So we were working with a new client at work and my boss farts, he said "a little gas never killed anyone

My boss had the heart of a child:)

In a jar. On his desk

You want to hear a dirty joke?

This guy and this girl were having sex when the guys boss called to ask why he wasn’t at work. The guy responds, "I’m sick" His boss replies, "you don’t sound sick" The guy says, “I’m fucking my sister” and hangs up the phone

a surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery

boss: “we have to let you go.”

surgeon: “I protest innocence.”

boss: “how?”

surgeon: “I thought to do your job and saving people’s lives were two different things.”

boss: “get out”

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said “how sick?”. I said “well I’m in bed with my 12 year old sister”.

Bosses are like seagulls. They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.

When you’re fucking your boss and realise it’s a family business

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me. She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand. Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys I asked and she said that’s my fam as well I noticed an Alabama drivers license I asked where which one was her dad she said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter I casually asked what he did for work self employed she said That’s the last time I use ancestry.com

I’ll never forget my bosses last words: " We shall serve the best meat in our burgers! "

His boss gave him some projects to work in, but he failed at it

His boss told him : “You suck”

And he started sucking his boss, after he was done

His boss told him : “You suck for life”

XD

a man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs then he says to his boss, i cant handle all of this,.

There was a cheerio that had a job, he worked hard at it and the boss came up and promoted him to the vice president of the cheerios. So he needed a speech, he kept practicing and practicing and know he was thirsty. it was almost time for his speech. so he went to the drinking fountain but there was a huge line. So he went to the lake but he saw tons of garbage, and what he thought was a cereal killer. so he found this bowl of punch, but he relised… there was no punch-line

You work at papa’s pizzaria ok?

Boss: your fired! Me: ok? Worker: Why are you fired? Me: oh you wanna know… shows him the oven with my pizza Me: I left my pizza in the oven that bitch burnt as fuck!! Worker: OH SHIT!! Boss: did you say pizza? Me: i sure did! shows boss pizza in oven Me: this hoe black as fuck! Boss: i fired you because i count stop looking at your ass not this why?

My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.

Stephen hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged

He also forgot to pay the power bill

If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy you would hear Stephen Hawking

A bass drum is the boss

Tim and Tom where at work Tim say I sick of this I going to act like a idot to get sent home so Tim was on the roof saying I am a light bulb the boss walk in and say Tim go home your acting like a dick the the say Tom why you packing up for he says I can’t work in the fucking dark can I

what does adam look like the fat ginger baby of boss baby

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