Army jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

Why does the United States have such a good military? Because they learn to dodge bullets in school.

What is your arm's favorite military branch? The army.

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

Pee-wee Herman was in the army... until he got a dishonorable discharge!

What do you call an army of autistic people?

Special forces!

What do you call a retard with AK special forces?

Stephen Hawking can't stand for army.

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

Chuck Norris didn't join the army, the army joined Chuck Norris.

Did you know my grandpa was in WW2? He killed Hitler.

If you have an emo kid army, they'll kill themselves before they get to the field.

What is an army member's top drink?

WARter.

Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.

What does Army stand for?

Ain't Ready to be a Marine Yet.

What did the Army soldier say after he got his legs fixed?

Afgan-I-Stand.

When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."

Going in a military.

The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

What do you call an army of disabled people?

Special forces.