Ives jokes

How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?

I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.

What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?

"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."

Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”

Person 2: “Seven.”

Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”

Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”

(Based on an encounter I had recently)

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

Hello, anybody, I've just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.

I'm in a wheelchair, right, so I've tried everything but one stand up.

It didn't work.

Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.

A: Is that why I never see you sweat?

I've been going to the dentist for a while now, I know the drill.

GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!

I've come to the conclusion that Trump is the fifth Teletubby.

He's fat, orange, and speaks in gibberish all the time.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"

A 60-year-old man is walking along a deserted road with a 12-year-old boy. It’s getting dark, and the boy says, “Hey mister, it’s getting dark and I’m scared.”

The man replies, “You’re scared? I’ve got to walk back to town alone!”

Once I told an abortion joke and this woman was like, "I've had an abortion, that's offensive." And I was like, "I just tell jokes, I think what you do is much worse."

I’ve two dogs and two cats, and they are all Democrats. They want a handout everyday.

I knew the human race made mistakes, but you're the worst I've seen so far...

My boyfriend recently asked me to suck his cock. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never tasted a dick, but he said it doesn’t taste that bad, so I’ll give it a shot.

Babe, it's over.

After all I've done for you? Wow! I cheated on you with your sister anyway.

I meant the movie...

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.