American Jokes

Anonymous

Why are Americans bad chess players?

They lost two towers.

Anonymous

School shooting happens

Foreign exchange student: Sobbing under desk

American student: “First time?”

Anonymous

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

Anonymous

Three guys are on a plane one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American, and the Pilot says “There is to much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off.” So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said , “I have plenty of these where I come from,” the the Asian threw out some rice and said “I have plenty of these in my country,” The American threw out a bomb and said, “I have a lot of these in my country.” The plane crashes anyway and the three men start to walk away from the crash, as they were walking the found a boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of Buritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy,” The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying they asked him what was wrong and he said, “A ton of rice fell out of the sky and sherded all my clothes.” The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble, they kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny the boy said, “MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!”

Anonymous

What’s the difference between an American 12 yearold and an African 12 year old? About 40 pounds.

8
Anonymous

Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.

Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.

4
Communist boi
in Communist

In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually

1
Anonymous

Where can you find some of the world’s largest vegetables? – In an American nursing home.

6
Anonymous
in German

A professor was talking about the american dream. then, he asked the german exchange student if there was a german dream, to which the student replies “we did, but no one liked it.”

1
Anonymous

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

5
Anonymous
in America

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid… I’m so glad I’m in the 1%.

Anonymous
in Marriage

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

0
Anonymous
in Politics

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

Anonymous
in Trump

Americans won’t have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.

The Algerien
in America

Do u know why God created wars ? to teach Americans geography

Anonymous
in Canada

What do you call a sophisticated American?

A Canadian

Anonymous

In 2016, Americans took Orange is the new Black to a whole other level

0
jay
in America

How many Americans does it take to fill the Grand Canyon?

Anonymous

3 people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: “Local calls are free”.

8
Z$

If you’re American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian