American jokes
What do you call a sophisticated American?
A Canadian.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.
What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
What show has something orphans will never have?
American Dad!
Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?
American: Self defense.
Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?
What is the difference between an American and an orphan?
They don't have a home to get their guns.
A professor was talking about the American dream. Then, he asked the German exchange student if there was a German dream, to which the student replies, "We did, but no one liked it."
Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.
Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, "You look like a million pounds!" The wife divorced him.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. "You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?" The Cuban simply says, "See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap."
The other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Oh, OK."
The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. "You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?" The Russian simply states, "See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap." Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, "Ah, yes! Of course."
The American scratches his head and goes, "I think I see the pattern here." So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!
You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?
You're-a-peein'. European.
American says: "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai..."
Sardar ji says: "Accha, India me to shaadi.....Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"
*School shooting happens*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk*
American student: "First time?"
Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?
Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.