I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
"Ouch!"
"What's wrong?"
"I stepped on a screw."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"
What's the difference between my ripped jeans and my arms?.
None.
"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"
"Oh, that was the cat."
"We don't have a cat..."
"Oh..."
Q. Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
A. Because he got hit by a truck.
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
Why are there so many scars and cuts on your arm?
Because it's a battlefield.
A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.
When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
What's the difference between my arm and legs? Nothing. I slit both of them.
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.
What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
Nothing, you told her twice.
