Injury jokes
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.
Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What does my arm have in common with paper?
They both can be cut.
What's small and can't turn around in a hallway?
A baby with a javelin in its head!
I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.
Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
"Ouch!"
"What's wrong?"
"I stepped on a screw."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"
What's the difference between my ripped jeans and my arms?.
None.
"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"
"Oh, that was the cat."
"We don't have a cat..."
"Oh..."
Q. Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
A. Because he got hit by a truck.
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.