"Ouch!"
"What's wrong?"
"I stepped on a screw."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"
What's the difference between my ripped jeans and my arms?.
None.
"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"
"Oh, that was the cat."
"We don't have a cat..."
"Oh..."
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
Goofy ahh grandpa fell down the stairs, and he said, "Damn!"
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
A kid in a wheelchair got hurt yesterday. I got detention yesterday because I told him to walk it off.
Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.
Break someone's bones. They have 206 of them.
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
Why are there so many scars and cuts on your arm?
Because it's a battlefield.
A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.
When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.
What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
Nothing, you told her twice.
There was a guy who got his whole left side shot off.
When he was at the hospital and he woke up, he asked the doctor if he was okay.
The doctor said, "You're all right now."
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
