What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well beer nuts are 49 cents but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer you won’t understand it.)
What is an orphan's favorite beer?
"Fosters."
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says who the fucks be fucking my wife the room goes silent, the guy in the back finishes his beer and says you ain't got enough bullets.
Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”
Mirror: “You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!”
Condom: “Hahaha...”
Pennywise: They all float down here! Titanic: *hold my beer*
A horse walks into a bar. Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself
You do 1 line, you're not a crack head You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic But I murder 1 person...
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive,slipped,and said, "oh shit".
What do alcoholics and necrophiliac have in common? They both like cracking open a cold one
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamus` wife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus` wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
A man walks into a bar and say I'm feeling depressed what do you have to cheer me up? The bartender replied: a shotgun
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately it was light beer.
The Barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
A rapist, pedifile, and a priest walk into a bar He orders a beer
Same person
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer...?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
I was walking down main street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get a my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, expeciy when your a furry."
