Injury jokes

Would a depressed person enjoy a cat scratch? After all, it's a free slice.

What happens when a Jewish guy walks into a wall with a full erection?

He breaks his nose.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?

He's all right.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.

Why does Michael Jackson avoid Pepsi? They gave him a hot one.

Old McDonald cuts himself. E-m E-m-O!

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?

Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.

What did the horse say after it tripped?

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.

The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"

Them: What's on your arm?

Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)

Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?

They are more open-minded.