Injury jokes
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
Would a depressed person enjoy a cat scratch? After all, it's a free slice.
What happens when a Jewish guy walks into a wall with a full erection?
He breaks his nose.
My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?
He's all right.
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.
Why does Michael Jackson avoid Pepsi? They gave him a hot one.
Old McDonald cuts himself. E-m E-m-O!
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?
Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.
What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.
The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.
"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"
Them: What's on your arm?
Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)