Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
Q: What did the AISH worker say after her throat was slashed?
A: Ckkkkkk
A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?
Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.
What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
My friend said she wanted to fly, so I pushed her off a building.
The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.
"Daveon, stop screaming for help because I broke your kneecaps!"
Them: What's on your arm?
Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.
Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What does my arm have in common with paper?
They both can be cut.
What's small and can't turn around in a hallway?
A baby with a javelin in its head!
I asked my now ex-boyfriend why he’s scared of my cat. He said it was because of the scratches on my arm.
I told him that my cat doesn’t scratch, but he didn’t believe me. He realised what I meant when he noticed I kept hiding my wrist from everyone else.
(Kinda based on the fact that my ex is indeed scared of cats, and he has been scared of my cat, so yeah 😂)
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"