The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Infinite because Feminists can’t solve problems.

What is Stephen Hawking’ favourite song

Head shoulders screws and bolts

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to there other side!

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it… at least Jesus didn’t get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and they come to a kid playing in a sandbox. The priest says, “Hey, you wanna go screw that kid?”

To which the rabbi replies, "Out of what?

How many screws does it take to construct a lesbians bed? None, it’s all tongue and groove…

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?

A: It is cheap fast, and if the rubber breaks, your pretty much screwed.

how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5 4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.

How many babys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more then 9 cause my basement is still dark

Me: (pointing up in the air) "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY" Girl: "dude, this is a library" Me: “oh” (screwing on a silencer)

I was with my blind friend, and he’s telling me “Yeah I can read braille”. So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read “Screw you, asshole”

Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Wanna go ride a bike?

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb it takes two but don’t ask me how they get inside

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just Juan.

Stormtrooper: What should we do with about the failed plan?

Palpatine: Screw it

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one. But I also think I screwed it up.

Why does it take three women with PMS to screw in a lightbulb?

IT JUST DOES!!!

how many EMO KIDS DOES IT to screw in a light bulb? none they all sit in the dark and cry

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”