Screw jokes
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5
4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Screw it.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.
How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?
None, it's all tongue and groove...
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
What did the screw say to the screw? We sure screwed things up!
Why does it take three women with PMS to screw in a lightbulb? IT JUST DOES!!!!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's some weird number. You probably never heard of it.
A priest and a rabbi were hanging out at a playground. The priest waves to a kid to come over and tells the rabbi, "Let's screw this kid."
The rabbi looks confused and asks, "Out of what?"
I met a lewd nude in Bermuda
Who thought she was shrewd: I was shrewder;
She thought it quite crude
To be wooed in the nude;
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.
Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?
A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.
"Ouch!"
"What's wrong?"
"I stepped on a screw."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm in ex-screw-ciating (excruciating) pain!"
Screw anima!
Oh wait, that's called hentai.
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.