Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
What’s ten feet long and bald?
The conga line in the cancer ward.
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depression medicine and therapy.
GO AWAY!
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.
What's the best haircut?
Chemotherapy.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.
Why did the tamale go to the hospital?
Tamalito.
What do you call a movie with kids with cancer? ... Finding Chemo.
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
