I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...
What do you say to a person who got his whole left side cut off? "Are you all right?!"
Never break a girl's/boy's/someone's heart. They only have one of them.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.
I swear I witnessed your nana fall down the stairs.
L
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
Friend: “What's that on your arm?”
Me: “Oh, nothing. Just decided I wanted to cosplay a tiger.”
I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦♂️
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
Dammit, I hanged off their nose off.
When you get injured 😢
When you get injured in America 😭😭😭😭💵💵💵💵💵🏩🏩🏩
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏
A woman walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"
"Sticks and stones break my bones."
A crowbar does it so much quicker.
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
Why do emo kids not run? Because their bodies will tear apart from the bones from all the cuts.
Give a man a match, and he's warm for a few minutes. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What part do people slit the most?
Everyone.
Someone asked me, "What are them scars on your arm?" I thought I was playing a violin.
