ID jokes

I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.

Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."

Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."

If I ever ran for public office, I'd make Rajan a call center employee again.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’d never play a country song backwards for you!

You're so poor, if I ever broke into your house, I'd give you things.

I’d tell you a Chinese joke, but it’s wong.

What does a bullied kid say during a game of Kahoot?

"I'd like to Kahoot up this school."

I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!

Me: Okay, Papyrus. I'm no Sherlock Bones, but I'd say that Storyspin Sans is the Imposter.

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.

She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭

"I think Hannibal Lecter is soooo sexy... I'd like him to eat me!"

Have you ever wondered how your teachers would look if they were 20 years younger than they actually are? I bet some of them would be smoking hot. Especially my 25-year-old English teacher. I'd bang her if she were 20 years younger.

Q: What did the Iceberg say to the Titanic?

A: I'd hit that.

I'd tell a bad baby joke, but I decided to abort.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

So my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a ‘single’ joke. Then she said, "Go and f***ing die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF I will break his body for you. Happy now?"

She said, "Sniff, yes."

An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"

Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"