ID jokes

I would make a rape joke, but I'd have to force it down your throat.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

I'd make a joke about an obese person, but it won't work out.

I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.

The only person I'd have a cooking lesson with is Hitler.

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

I’d make fun of transgender women, but that’s low hanging fruit.

When David lost his ID, I called him Dave. Where did Dave go during the bombing? Everywhere. Guess who came crawling back?

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

I would like to say Hitler gave two fucks about his people.

But quite Anne frankly, I'd be lying.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all nine of my lives with you.

If I were alone on an island with Camilla Cabello, and we were never going to escape, I'd rape her. I mean, what is she going to do? Tell someone?

There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.

I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.

If I was any more inbred, I'd be a sandwich.

Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?

A: I'd hit that.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

Roses are red, violets are blue, if I had a brick, I’d throw it at you.

I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...