Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I ́m still choosing." She looked horrified.
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.
Does anyone still look at this if you do tell me if I should make more jokes :)
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I have 206 bones in my body but when I look at you I have 207
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?". The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!".
Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you." Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree. The person: Only last thing left to hang! He grabs a noose.
A fat man meets a skinny man The fat man tells the skinny man: "when people look at you, they think the world's starving to death"
And the skinny man responds: "when they look at you, they know why"
Little Johnny’s mom is taking a shower little Johnny walks in and asks what is that in between your legs mommy says that is my keyhole the next day little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and little Johnny asks what is that in between your legs daddy says that is my key the next day little Johnny says to his dad looks like the neighbor has the key to mommy’s keyhole too.
By:Xzavier
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an Aussie bloke in Bali?
Both are expert drunks, but the Aussie is 100 times better kept. Johnny Depp, in contrast, looks like a demented leader of a violent drug cartel.
My best friend looked at my arms and said “stop sh it’s bad” then turns right around and says “you look like a tiger”
so from here on out i am now Finn the self harming tiger
Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf's heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks
