ID jokes

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

I’d pound your mom so fast, even Sonic would get jealous!

What's Michael Jackson's favorite things to say to little boys? "I'd really love to see you-hoo-hoo tonight," and "I can't smile without you-hoo-hoo."

Sorry, I don't have a joke here... Just wondering how idiots end up here complaining about offensive jokes when you ended up here. You had to click that section on purpose, right? If you can't take it, piss the fuck off... If I'd be gay and I'd look up gay jokes and get offended... how stupid is that?

What did the panther say at the poker party?

I'd be lion if I said I was a cheetah.

I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be single than be with someone like you.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again, but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favorite...

They told me I'd never be good at poetry.

But to date I have made 3 jugs and a vase, and they look lovely!

I mean I'd tell you a joke about the pizza I ate, but it's just too cheesy.

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

I'd make an emo joke, but that would be cutting a little too close.

Are you Jeffrey Dahmer? Because I'd love you to eat me.

I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.

I’d make a joke to Fetty Wap on this, but there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll SEE this.

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me to kill myself, I'd be a millionaire.

That shirt's very becoming on you.

If I were on you, I’d be coming too.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.