ID jokes

Did you hear about the 100 centimeter girl?

I’d really like to meter.

Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?

JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.

If I were a history teacher, I’d make the two twins stand up and throw a paper airplane at them.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”

My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.

“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”

I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.

Found out I’m worth $3.97.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

I asked my friend if he would take a bullet for the last person he slept with.

He said hell yeah, I'd do anything for my sister!

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

I'd tell a necrophilia joke, but they've been done to death.

Pickup line; Hey mama, you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you.

What did one iceberg say to the other iceberg as the Titanic went by?

"I'd smash that."

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.

They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.

I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.