ID jokes

In Junior High, we had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood the report and wrote about how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.

What did the Ford Mustang say to the crowd of innocent people?

I'D HIT THAT!

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

Roses are red, colors are blue, if I was you, I'd look like you.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I’d make a joke about prostitutes and women sleeping with multiple men, but it would just be whore-ible.

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

I'd make a joke about the chin bones, but y'all couldn't mandle it.

A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."

I'd rate the pilot a 9/11.

If life was like Pacific Rim, I'd say your mom's pussy was a category 5.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

I'd tell a Luigi joke, but it would fall flat faster than the line on his victim's heart monitor.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.