ID jokes

Your nose is so big that Apple had to make a custom iPhone that unlocks using Nose ID.

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

"Dick, you're fired."

"I'd buy that for a dollar."

The man was Indian. He moved to England because he wanted to learn, so got a job at the store. He learned how to say "register," then he was a business man. He learned how to say "59887," then "restaurant," so he learned how to say "fork and knives." So a man came with a knife. The cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him. He said, "Him," and pointed to the Indian man. The cop asked, "What did you use?" He said, "Register." The cop asked for ID. "59887." The cop asked, "Anything on you, forks and knife?" He said, "Me me me."

How do lesbians have sex? It’s too complicated. I’d have to show you.

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

Roses are red. I love hot food. If I was a bad bitch, I'd wanna fuck me too.

Oh wait, I am.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"

Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.

People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite things to say to little boys? "I'd really love to see you-hoo-hoo tonight," and "I can't smile without you-hoo-hoo."

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but they always crash and burn.

You also have to learn to say no. For example: "Would you like a piece of cake?" "No, I'd like two."