ID jokes

Roses are red, colors are blue, if I was you, I'd look like you.

Your nose is so big that Apple had to make a custom iPhone that unlocks using Nose ID.

Q: What did the Iceberg say to the Titanic?

A: I'd hit that.

The man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny piano player. The piano player starts playing the piano. The guy next to him asks where he got that. The man says there is a genie out on the corner granting wishes.

So the man sitting next to him jumps up and runs outside. He says to the genie, "I want a million bucks." The genie snaps his fingers, and a million ducks appear in the road. The man comes back inside and says, "Hey, that genie is a little hard of hearing." The man says, "Well, did you really think I'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?"

If life was like Pacific Rim, I'd say your mom's pussy was a category 5.

A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."

Dad: What's the difference between an ELEPHANT and a POSTBOX?

Son: I don't know.

Dad: I'd better not trust you with my post then.

People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

Hang in there, ya emo bastards! Remember, you could always be dead. Oh, too soon?

No wonder they wanna die so much. I'd wanna die too if I was a freak who listens to Black Veil Brides!

Anybody got a knife? I mean, an emo dildo?

Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?

Because it says "B Positive!"

When your friend gets involved with someone, it affects the friendship. Whenever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend, we should say I looked like the person you used to know, but I've been modified to survive in this relationship. If we have an argument and she's there, I might disagree with you; I'd rather continue to see her naked.

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

If I had a dollar for every time a rap hater made an intelligent statement, I’d be more broke than the rap haters.

I ain't f***ing with you, there's 1 million things I'd rather f***ing do.

Everyone thought I'd have a great year...

14 years just gave me more chances.

It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.

I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

I'll let you decide.

Do I like playing Russian Roulette? Gun to the head, I'd have to say no.

I took out my mother-in-law, being a sniper, I'd fun.

Yo mama so fat, she is fat.