ID jokes

I'd make you fall harder than the South Tower.

I’d say Leo is as sharp as a marble, but that would be an insult to marbles.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

I'd call BlessedBrian a tool, but at least a tool serves a purpose.

I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.

Are you the Twin Towers? Because I'd smash.

I'd tell a 9/11 joke, but it would crash and burn.

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.

"Why?" said her friend.

"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"

"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.

"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."

Why doesn't George Washington carry his ID?

Because he knows he can always ask for a quarter.

Hey girl, is that an ass seen on TV, 'cause I'd buy it.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

Your mama's so fat, she needed NASA to make her ID card!

I’d tell BlessedBrian to aim for the stars, but it seems like his GRAVITATIONAL PULL is holding him back.

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

In Jr. high, we all had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood and wrote a report on how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.

In Junior High, we had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood the report and wrote about how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.

I’d give you a nasty look, but you already have one, bummer!

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!