ID jokes

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

Your mama's so fat, she needed NASA to make her ID card!

Are you the Twin Towers? Because I'd smash.

I'd tell a 9/11 joke, but it would crash and burn.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I'd call BlessedBrian a tool, but at least a tool serves a purpose.

I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.

I’d say Leo is as sharp as a marble, but that would be an insult to marbles.

Hey girl, is that an ass seen on TV, 'cause I'd buy it.

"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.

"Why?" said her friend.

"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"

"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.

"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."

Why doesn't George Washington carry his ID?

Because he knows he can always ask for a quarter.

Are you the Twin Towers? Cause I'd love to take you out. 🤭

If I died and went to heaven, do you think I’d be friends with Prince?

The only thing that makes me want to stay alive more is the thought that Prince would hate me.

I'd rate the pilot a 9/11.

If I had two nickels every time PETA parodied a game, I'd have 14.

What did the cupcake tell its frosting?

I’d be muffin without you.

If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.

If I was a poo, I’d be the one that gets stuck to the bottom of the shitter when no one wants ya xox.

I'd tell you a joke about infinity, but I'm afraid it will never end.