ID jokes

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

I'd insult BlessedBrian, but it seems NATURE beat me to it.

I’d say Leo is as sharp as a marble, but that would be an insult to marbles.

I'd call BlessedBrian a tool, but at least a tool serves a purpose.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.

"Why?" said her friend.

"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"

"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.

"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."

Hey girl, is that an ass seen on TV, 'cause I'd buy it.

Why doesn't George Washington carry his ID?

Because he knows he can always ask for a quarter.

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Are you the Twin Towers? Because I'd smash.

I'd tell a 9/11 joke, but it would crash and burn.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

At the drive-thru window:

"I'd like a Big Mac without soup, please!"

"We don't serve soup here!"

"Well, I didn't order any!"

"I'd love to give everyone another shot."

Harry, 26, works at the women's clinic.

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

I’d tell BlessedBrian to aim for the stars, but it seems like his GRAVITATIONAL PULL is holding him back.

"Dick, you're fired."

"I'd buy that for a dollar."

I'd tell you a joke about infinity, but I'm afraid it will never end.

Mike, ID is coming tonight.

See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.