Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer My life is like... the shoe rack-

There is no way you can fit in there.

Says who?

Your mom.


Last night.


If a bike is also called a bicycle, then what is a test also called? A tEsTiClE-

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "not now."

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account? You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that- (Destroys phone cutely)

Hey, I’m George and this is how to figure out if someone is a psychopath.

Go into someone’s search history, And find “Cuphead ship fanfic”.

Hey George, why do you have Russia x America countryhumans-

Y’know what’s traumatizing?

Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.


Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by god and made babies!

Dad, how were hoomans made. Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!

Mom, dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)

I just want to say this...

You have NO maidens, (Explosion) No homies, (ExPlOsIoN) And no- Please don’t say it! Rizz 😎 (EXPLOSION)

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Be smart not stupid.

Hey Siri, where is my dad? Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen! Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. ...WhAT-

If a man says you’re ugly, he like you. If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous. If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.

What do you call a red potato?

A tomato 🍅

(I know it’s cringe)