Humor

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

Yo mama so fat she ate Saturn and mistook it for bubble gum.

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

What do you call a group of transgender women? Ex-Men.

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

Out of a catalogue. 😁

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.