Humor

Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

Out of a catalogue. 😁

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?

Time to get a new watch.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?

A-Mean-O-Acid.

John

What do you call a sandwich 🥪 full of envy?

Peanut Butter n' Jealousy! 😂

Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.

If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...

...is that a romantic jester?

What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

Is it incest if it’s out in the open?

Or is it... outcest?

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

How was copper wire invented?

Two Jewish people fighting over a penny.

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.

Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”

Person #2: “No, you can have it.”

Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”

Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.

Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”