What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
Humor
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
A blind man walks into a woman's bar and asks the person next to him if she would like to hear a blonde joke. The woman says, "Before you tell your joke, you should know the bartender is blonde and has a shotgun, the bouncer is blonde and has a baseball bat, the two playing music are blonde and have pistols. Do you still want to tell that joke, cowboy?" He thought for a second and said, "Not if I have to explain it five times."
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Why were Helen Keller's hands crippled?
From reading stop signs at fifty miles per hour.
What did Tennessee do?
The same thing Arkansas did.
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
What happens at night in Bangladesh?
It gets Dhaka.
I'd love it if you killed yourself, but Hitler killed himself and people still hate him...
What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?
Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."
What songs do people with no arms listen to?
None, 'cause they can’t press play.
Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.
what song did people in Hiroshima listen to?
"Here Comes the Sun."
I don't struggle with depression. Like at this point I got it down. I'm good at depression.
What do you call a vagina with teeth?
A vicious cunt.
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Queen.
Queen who?
You don't know the queen? You're crazy!
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Kid: Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But, Mom, I’m blind!
Mom: Exactly.
