Humor

I just heard that the inventor of the autocorrect died the other day.

May he rest in pizza.

What do you do when a Panera Bread panera breads?

Panera Bread.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."

Why did the pen stop writing?

'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?

Because every little helps!

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

Yo mama so fat she ate Saturn and mistook it for bubble gum.

I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

What do you call a group of transgender women? Ex-Men.

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."