John Jokes

Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...

His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...

At baseball practice...

"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"

"No, but I got two right here."

Papa John's pizzeria and abortion clinic. You make 'em, we bake 'em.

What do you call a sad coffee?

Despesso.

Who's Lil John?

Don't you just hate it when you're the first one to fall asleep at a sleepover, and then you hear, "Prank em, John?"

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?

John fucked them both in the rear.

Wanna hear a funny joke?

John's life.

Why did John throw the butter out? Because John wanted to see the butterfly.

Hey John, how are you going?

Helium, yeah good, what about you?

(Hey Liam)

You want to hear a joke?

Your mom.

"Little John, she is fat." How? He said, "Like a pig."

What's the last thing that went through John F Kennedy's head?

A bullet.

Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?

They both had an open mind.

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestler's legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip.”

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”

With heavy breath, John told him, “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”

“What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified.”

“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls.”

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon.

John Lennon: "What a nice view."

John walked outside.

He got shot.

:skull:

Three rednecks, Billy, Joe, and John, are talking about their hobbies. They agree on shooting. John says, "I like shooting animals." Joe says, "I like shooting birds." Billy says, "I like shooting cans." Joe and John ask, "What kind of cans, like bear cans, Pepsi cans, or cola cans?" Billy responds, "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaicans, and Asian Americans."