Humor

Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.

What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?

A-Mean-O-Acid.

John

What do you call a sandwich 🥪 full of envy?

Peanut Butter n' Jealousy! 😂

Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.

If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...

...is that a romantic jester?

Is it incest if it’s out in the open?

Or is it... outcest?

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

How was copper wire invented?

Two Jewish people fighting over a penny.

What do you call a tall terrorist? Labomb James.

My cousin is in a wheelchair and wanted to battle.

So I went up a step and said, "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground!"

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.

Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”

Person #2: “No, you can have it.”

Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”

Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.

Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

Mooning is very astrological!

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

Your forehead's so big, it's built like Megamind's robot, period.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He was just feeling like he needed a break, you know? Life is hard when you're a rooster looking after your hen and chicks. He just wanted a sense of normality, walking out of the farm. He felt light-headed, staring into the distance. Then, at this very moment, he realised it was his darkest hour.

Join us for more of the story, after the break!