Humor
Why did the pen stop writing?
'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?
Because every little helps!
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
A-Mean-O-Acid.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
To say sorry to the other side.
Knock knock! Who's there? Deja. Deja who? Knock knock!
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
Where did Sally go when the explosion happened?
Everywhere!
John
What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?
Time to get a new watch.
Life is like a McDonald's meal; it only lasts 7 seconds for fat people.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No, you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.
4. You just tried number three.
5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.
6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.
7. You skipped number 5.
8. You just checked if there was a number 5.
9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.