Cash jokes

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

Decisions taken by world leaders often have great significance during a crisis.

The Americans, in particular, are suffering many losses during the current global pandemic. Remember, in the 1980's they had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.

In 2020 they have Donald Trump, no Cash, and no Hope!

I told my psychiatrist I was going to go kill myself. He asked if I was paying for this appointment in check or cash.

Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.

How to get quick cash:

Step 1: Kill a child's parents.

Step 2: Do foster care for them.

Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.

I'm not gay, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?

I don't have $1 million in my wallet.

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?

Cash and carry.

What do you call a rich Chinese man?

Cha-ching!

What do you call a Chinese rich man? Cha-ching!

What did the hooker say when she found out the cash she was paid with for services rendered was counterfeit?

I've been raped!

I just came across a pile of cash in the parking lot.

Usually I just use tissues.

What do cows call money?

Moola.

The cashier asked if I wanted to give my extra dollar to the poor. I said sure, and I got a Cash App notification for $1.

Dude, if you're at the ATM, wouldn't that mean you're buying your own money?

P.S. My brother made this up when he had no meds... I almost died.

What does ATM stand for?

Answer: Amy’s Terrible Mom.

😂🤣

If I had a dollar for every gender there is, I'd have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits.

Banker: I have the right to take your money!

Me: Check my name.

Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?

Banker: *realizes*

Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.