Hold jokes
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.
The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
"Hold my beer, watch this."
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.
When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders turtle soup. The waiter hollers, "One turtle soup!"
A moment later, the guy calls the waiter over and says, "I’ve changed my mind, I would like pea soup." The waiter hollers, "Hold the turtle, and make it pea!"
You could hold your breath for the rest of your life.
Think about it.
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?
Answer: Your right elbow.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job!
Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.
What’s something you can say about a fat person, but not about strippers?
Those legs sure hold a lot of weight.
Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds air hostage.
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.
When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."
This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."
If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?
A really fucking huge cricket.
My mom holds up a hot dog and shouts, "WHO WANTS A WIENIE!?"
I would like to call you as dumb as a rock, but they can hold a door open.