Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

my grandpa has a world record for holding his breathe… hes been holding it for 6 years.

why does mexico never hold the Olympics? because everyone that can run jump and swim is already out the country

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Any last requests?” “Yes,” replied the murderer, “Will you please hold my hand?”

A Roman walks into a bar

He holds up two fingers and says “give me five beers.”

you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

How many quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb? 4! One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he’s standing on, and one to sing “Allouette, gentille allouette!”

What’s 12 inches and is moist inside? My record holding cucumbers locally grown at my farm

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

What does a priest hold on to when having sex. He holds on to the schoolbag.

how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5 4 to turn the table, and 1 to hold the bulb.

Hey can u hold this for a second

Me holding a new cat: Say Hi to my little friend! My friends: Hi to my little friend!

Spock went to the enterprises toilet and he knocked on it “Kirk are you in there?” Spiked asked, Kirk answered “hold on i am making a captains log”

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “Ive kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.” The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,

“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

My Grandfather never threw anything away, bless him

He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade

Me: John what did he do earlier

John: hold on, I’m trying to think

Me: I thought I smelled poop

I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of em…

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: “Shut up … you’re next!”

is mrs wall here.No.Is mr wall here.No.Than what is holding up the walls

A roman walks into a Bar and holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers,please"

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. he says to the bartender “I have a deal, if i can hold my dick in the alligators mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink” and so the bartender agreed. the man, like he said, had his dick in the alligators mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. he made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. he did it and drank his drinks. then he said to the amazed crowd, “would anyone like to volunteer?” one man raised his hand. he walked up to the man with the alligator and said, “just a warning, i don’t think i can hold my mouth open that long.”

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well i looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. all he says is “don’t ask or you shall die”

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