A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
friend: hits head* others: how many fingers am i holding up? me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten? friend: ten me: hes fine guys
What did the wind say to the palm tree? Hold onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job.
you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"
So I was being robbed and this guy had the gun to my head to i told him he was holding it backwards.
A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says " Stop ye Im a magical tree you can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks then as he goes to swing the axe he says,"you may be a magical tree... But you will dialog!"
Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.
Pennywise: They all float down here! Titanic: *hold my beer*
What do you call a depressed person holding a knife?
Freedom yay! (so funny ikr)
Why does Mexico never hold the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already out of the country.
My dad died the other day but, i was able to hear his last words"son are you still holding the ladder"
What does a priest hold on to when having sex. He holds on to the schoolbag.
What’s 12 inches and is moist inside? My record holding cucumbers locally grown at my farm
Friend: I broke up with Sara.
Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.
Friend: How did her p*ssy feel?
Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.
Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?!
