Control Jokes

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.

Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?

A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

9/11 and Jenga are the same.

It's a controlled demolition.

What’s the only time you can do almost whatever you want

When you have a gun in you hand

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?

An RCXD (remote control explosive).

Expectation: Brr, I’m cold! Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!

Reality: Brr, I’m cold! Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather.

Life is like a film; it goes on, but you can cut at any time.

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, "okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "what?" As he looked over at Jim.

Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that...I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self control

I like my women like I like my traction control disabled.

control tower to Boeing 747 your clear to land on (said person) forehead

My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish.

I started thrashing about and roared, “You don’t have enough badges to control me!”

What do feminists and dogs share in common? They need to be taken to obedience school.

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient. The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient". Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants. Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage. After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control. Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?" The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."