An atom loses an electron… It says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…
But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?
Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” the guy replied.
The cop said, “But there is no traffic.”
And the guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when i do, i like to keep them short
Kid: but mom I don’t want to see grandma Mom: shut up and keep digging
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector
Three guy are in the woods, a a really smart guy, an average, and a really dumb guy, they bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting a little while later he comes back with a dear, the average guy asks how do did you do that? The really smart guy says says I see dear tracks I fallow dear tracks, I see dear I shoot dear. The average guy say I think I understand and leaves, an little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb goes gasp how did you do that!?. And the average looks at him funny and says well I see raccoon tracks I fallow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon I shoot raccoon. The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says Oooohh, ok I thiNo I can do that… and leaves. Hours pass and and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mingled. They run to help him. Finally one of the guys ask him what happened this is what he said: I see train tracks, I fallow train tracks. I see train I shoot train. But train keep coming.
You’ll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that… Well now I can 't cry myself to sleep anymore…
“Sir, I’m afraid your son can’t attend our swimming lessons anymore.”
“He keeps peeing in the pool.”
“Well, all kids pee in the pool.”
“Not from the diving board!”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away… Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough…🥵🤣
Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest? Mom: Shut up and keep licking.
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep ‘em in my basement until it’s time to hang ‘em from a tree.
whats the difrence between hitler and you
one didnt keep posting on twiter about killing them selfs
My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.