300+ Keep Jokes

An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Good girl.

A man is sitting on a couch with his arm around a woman whose mouth is covered in duct tape and her hands and feet are tied. The text says "This could be us but you keep escaping."

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Q: What's the difference between rape and marriage?

A: With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman afterwards.

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.

"Sir, I'm afraid your son can't attend our swimming lessons anymore."

"Why not?"

"He keeps peeing in the pool."

"Well, all kids pee in the pool."

"Not from the diving board!"

People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.

He sang a love song to a rat, yet stans are befuddled on why people keep calling their idol "Wacko Jacko".

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

If prostitution had a tax-exempt status, and if an adult bookstore had a tax-exempt status because of a glory hole, churches would have to do something else to keep their tax-exempt status to avoid the risk of going out of business.