A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them…

But I was just wondering… should I keep the letters?

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector

Kid: but mom I don’t want to see grandma Mom: shut up and keep digging

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide,” and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

An atom loses an electron… It says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

My mom is the jelly and my dad is the peanut butter And I am the bread the only thin keeping them together.

Why do hospitals have fans? To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

Girls are like blackjack you shoot for 21 but I keep hitting 14

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was trying to keep up with traffic,” the guy replied.

The cop said, “But there is no traffic.”

And the guy answered, “That’s how far behind I am.”

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest? Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

The furniture store keeps calling me back… But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a “no”. His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, “Why do you keep asking me to croak?” The granddaughter replies, “Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland.”

Why do they have air conditioning in hospitals? To keep all the vegetables fresh.

Unlike my syndrome I keep my chin up 🙌🏽😁

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a seven year old.

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke? He wanted to keep his nuts dry.