Health jokes

I can't stand up when I laugh hard; neither can they.

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

Yo mama's so fat, I run around her for exercise.

Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.

What does a pregnant lady and pigs have in common?

They're both fat.

Why can't orphans smoke?

They don't have parents ._.

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.

I go to Venice to get a bigger penis.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Meat stands for: M - monitoring, E - evaluating, A - assessing/addressing, T - treatment.

So when you're shoving meat up people's asses, then you're monitoring them, evaluating them, assessing them, and treating them.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Why should old women never eat seafood?

'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.

Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

In Alabama... How do you know your sister is having periods? Your dad's penis tastes like blood.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Q: What did the little girl say to her leper daddy?

A: "Oops, I got your nose!"