Health jokes

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

...Because there's always a cast!

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.

Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.

What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?

Have a blood transfusion.

Fat women can't walk, but on 9/11, they ran.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.

Why did the bee go to the doctors?

Answer: Because he had hives.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because she was crummy.

What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.

What has 1 head, 1 foot, and 4 legs? A bed.

You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.

What does a pregnant lady and pigs have in common?

They're both fat.

Don't say "stay positive" to the wrong doctor.

Why can't orphans smoke?

They don't have parents ._.

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"