Health jokes
My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!
My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.
Why is Delta jealous?
Because Omicron took the final kill.
I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"
I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Memes
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
What do my balls and emos have in common?
...Nothing, they both hang themselves...
Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?
Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I saw that my brother has brain cancer, so I asked him: "Are you big brain?"
My bum hurts.
Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!
You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.
Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?
Why was the apple 🍎 sad?
Because he got his peelings hurt.
I have 206 bones. When I look at you, I have 207.
Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.