Health jokes

"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

What do you call a person in a wheelchair that lives in Africa?

Dry Vegetable.

Every zodiac sign has a hairstyle, except Cancer.

I go to Venice to get a bigger penis.

Why is Delta jealous?

Because Omicron took the final kill.

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"

You're so fat that when you were born, the nurse mistook you for the father.

Why is it always cold in the hospital?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.

Why did the bee go to the doctors?

Answer: Because he had hives.

Fat women can't walk, but on 9/11, they ran.

Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath, and the water in the bath rises.

What is the American virus? Diabetes.