Health Jokes

1: My grandpa died last year.

2: What kind of cancer?

1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.

Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.

Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.

Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.

Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.

What's the difference between Andy and acne?

Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.

Why did Stephen Hawking roll across the road?

Because he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

A child asks his father, "How do you get pink eye?"

Son, I was told it’s from scratching your butt, then rubbing your eyes.

Then the son asks, "How did I get Fungi?" As the father was about to answer, the boy says, "Ohh, so is it from scratching my stinky feet, then rubbing my eye?" ———-Fungeye

no thank u for sleeping

A cartoon man with short blond hair and a red outfit with white gloves is shown from the chest up with a surprised expression. Text in white at the top of the image says, "When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospitals and every one starts sleeping better". Text at the bottom of the image says "No need to thank me."

What do you call a washed vegetable?

A disabled kid that needs a towel.

Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.

The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"

Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."