Life Support Jokes

Anonymous

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

OP boss
in Difference

What’s the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

1
Anonymous
in Offensive

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We’ll see about that." Then I unplugged his life support.

J0K35
in Depression

Guy: My life is like a game, I should end it.

Guy 2: Is it a hard life?

Guy: Yup

Guy 2: Then you can’t kill yourself LOL

Guy 3: Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the “game”

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud… (cyndagoooooooo)

Anonymous

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

6
Anonymous

My father said I’m to reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support

candied.bees

my grandfather said I was to reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My grandad said I’m too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Kis myass

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much so I unplugged his life support. Luckily I remember his last words . “You little bastard!”

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone, I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Gavino RoyHitty BOI
in Hospital

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I Wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone, and it turns out he only knows Spanish so When he kept saying “Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida.” I thought he wanted water, but when I got back with the water he was asleep and now my phone was charged so I translated what he said. And it was “You unplugged my life support”, that’s when I called the doctor…

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

kdj_THANOS
in Depression

my grandpa unplugged the AC so i unplugged his life support

Jayvin Zebari
in Roast
  1. If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence

  2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships

  3. There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.

  4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

  5. When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.

  6. If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

  7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it

  8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.

  9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting

  10. Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen

  11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya

  12. Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented

Lauren

My grandfather tells me I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Josh Hope

I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!” As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.” My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine! Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?” I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge! Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.” How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

phones

why did stephen hawking die because i unpluged his life support to charge my phone

Anonymous
in Dark Humor
  1. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
  2. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
  3. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
Anonymous

my mom told me to unplug all the electronics so i unplugged my grandma Life Support

Anonymous

what’s the difference between me and an old man no one pulled my life support