Side jokes

There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up. Class: *no one stands up* Teacher: Oh c'mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *waves her finger around the left side of the room* Little Johnny: *stands up* Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb? Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you're standing alone.

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"

Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Son: Why?

Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.

I'm made with depression and extra anxiety, then a side of gay and a sprinkle of emo.

Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

yo mama so stupid she climbed up a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

What is killing your friend called?

A homie-side.

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.

Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.