Health jokes
Roses are red, My friend is choking. That stupid bitch shouldn't have eaten my muffin.
What is the most expensive type of sex you will ever enjoy in your life? The type which will shorten your life by 5 to 10 years.
Why did Alice from Wonderland get her butt stuck in the rabbit hole at first? Because she probably ate too many hamburgers and drank too much wine just out of nowhere, then told her butt to hold it in before more food pops out.
You're so bad at games, bro, they gave you AIDS before losing! 😹
Would you rather have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (including men)?
Or eat 10 lbs of dog s**t every day for 100 days?
What's the best part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Yo mama is so fat, she gave a memory foam mattress Alzheimer's.
What's the difference between someone with dystonia and someone with misophonia?
One makes the annoying noises, while the other hates the annoying noises.
Always practice safe sex: paint an X on the sheep that kick.
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.
What was the doctor's diagnosis on a dinosaur with a low sex drive? Teraerectile dysfunction.
Yo mama so fat, she needs 500,000 calories a day to keep her fueled.
What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?
They both got a 10% survival rate...
Your mama is so fat that all restaurants say, "Maximum weight 240KG or your mum!"
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired.
Patient number 14 was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma—a type of skin cancer. Pretty ironic how he travels. He went to terminal 14.
What part of a vegetable can’t you eat?
The wheelchair. 😑