Health jokes
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.
What do you call a person in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
What do you call Greg in your class? Obese.
Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!
You know, I got attacked by a man with cheese and a bit of milk.
How dairy!
Q: Why did the fly go to the hospital?
A: For the doctor to make it get "butter!"
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
Time heals all wounds.
Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.
What is the healthiest fruit?
An orange 🍊—It takes Vitamin See!
Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.
"Don't break a person's heart, they only have one."
"Yeah, break their bones instead... they have over 200 of those :)"
If Stephen Hawking gets a heart attack, where do you go, the hospital or Curry's PC World?
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.
There's nothing else that can beat up dog.
What's up, dog?
Just my depression!
You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.