Health jokes
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it!
It's all fun and games until they start dancing.
You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.
I have no legs.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I'm hertophobic -
aka I'm allergic to all straight guys.
What's the difference between a pope/preacher and acne?
Acne comes on your face when you're 13.
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have anty-bodies.
Man says, "What's Ligma?"
Woman says, "Ligma balls!"
Baby says nothing, she transgender.
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.
The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"
Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."
The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"
Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."
Why do athletes cool down fast? Because they have fans.
Wash your hands.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
Yo mama is such a creep; she thought PTSD stood for "Please Touch Small Dicks."
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...