Health jokes

Hey girl, are you osteoporosis, because you're giving me a "bone" condition.

How do you know a vampire's sick?

If he's coffin (coughing?)

What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!

Teacher: Don’t run into the road!

Down syndrome: Weeeeee!

Teacher: Lol, now he’s a mashed potato.

What is the healthiest fruit?

An orange 🍊—It takes Vitamin See!

Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"

Time heals all wounds.

Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."

You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)

I saw a dad shave his daughter's head because she made fun of a woman with cancer.

Good thing she didn’t make fun of a pregnant woman 🤭

"Don't break a person's heart, they only have one."

"Yeah, break their bones instead... they have over 200 of those :)"

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.

Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.

What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?

You fix both with a coat hanger.

What do you call a person in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

What do you call a disabled kid who is blind?

A grape chilli bean.

What do you call Greg in your class? Obese.