Health jokes
What do you call a disabled kid who is blind?
A grape chilli bean.
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.
You know, I got attacked by a man with cheese and a bit of milk.
How dairy!
Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!
What do you call Greg in your class? Obese.
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Time heals all wounds.
Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
What is the healthiest fruit?
An orange 🍊—It takes Vitamin See!
Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.
I saw a dad shave his daughter's head because she made fun of a woman with cancer.
Good thing she didn’t make fun of a pregnant woman 🤭
Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
Q: Why did the fly go to the hospital?
A: For the doctor to make it get "butter!"
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
If Stephen Hawking gets a heart attack, where do you go, the hospital or Curry's PC World?
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.