Health jokes

The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.

There was a boy in the gym who was in his late teens. He was sitting at the dumbbells tables, but he wasn't lifting. He instead, sat up and was ripping something up.

The manager then walked over to him and asked, "You're hogging the dumbbells, dude! What are you even doing?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Getting ripped, wanna join me?" as he held up stacks of blank paper. The man silently sat on the table with him and grabbed some papers. "Why not?" he finally said.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

What STD can you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS.

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sneaks candy in her fat rolls.

What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?

cancer.

You're so fat, that you're fat.

The only doctor you have is Doctor Pepper.

How does a train sneeze?

It goes, "A-choo choo!"

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

"A foolish man is lactose intolerant. A wise man simply tolerates it."

- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Kids in wheelchairs can't stand up for themselves if there's a bully.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

What is big and long and hard?

A cucumber!

What do you do if your dick is smoking?

Get your mum to lick it.

What site does a vegetable go to when he/she is stressed?

cornhub.com

Why did the skeleton not go to prom?

Because he had no body to go with.

Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.

What comes in and comes out, but you should never miss it?

Any ideas?

SHIT!!!!

Your hair is receding more than people do when they smell you.