Health jokes
If Stephen Hawking gets a heart attack, where do you go, the hospital or Curry's PC World?
What is the healthiest fruit?
An orange 🍊—It takes Vitamin See!
You know, I got attacked by a man with cheese and a bit of milk.
How dairy!
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
Q: Why did the fly go to the hospital?
A: For the doctor to make it get "butter!"
Memes
Saw this little gem online and decided to share it
What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"
Roses are red, my blood is too, And I've been seeing it a lot more, since I've lost you.
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Time heals all wounds.
Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.
A man once ate the left side of a person. One guy watching asked if the guy he was eating was okay. The man eating him said, "No... it's okay, he's all right now."
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
I saw a dad shave his daughter's head because she made fun of a woman with cancer.
Good thing she didn’t make fun of a pregnant woman đź¤
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.
You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.
*in the hospital*
Paralyzed kid: I'm out!
*walks out the room*
Blind kid: You can walk?!
Mute kid: You can see?!
Deaf kid: You can talk?!
Doctor: Wut the f**k?
My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?