Health jokes

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

Have you ever heard of hearing aids?

Yeah, me neither.

Did you know nine of ten dentists recommend oral sex?

An apple a day keeps a doctor away... at least if you throw it hard enough.

A joke, huh?

My sense of humor.

You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's...

You know who else suffers from Alzheimer's.

Lemme just say one thing:

Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.

Why did Muhammad Ali go down? Because he couldn't stand the cancer.

An eight-year-old girl struggles to breathe as she lies on a hospital bed and waits for the doctor to come. After the doctor comes, he pulls his cock out of her mouth, and she can breathe much better.

What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?

We're both blind.

They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I see you, I see you; you would have to work out.

Are you corona? Cuz it’s hard to breathe around you ;)

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Social distancing.

Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.