Health jokes
I am like Cookie Monster on steroids when it comes to cookies.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What’s the difference between masturbation and brain damage?
After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
What do you call a downy under water?
Dead fish
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?” Jon said, “I’d be half blind.” “That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?” “I’d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?” Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?” “I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered. “Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?” “My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."
By a tweaker with AIDS.
What do you call it when a gay guy farts?
An abortion.
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
Kid: I have the corona virus!
Nurse: Here is an ice pack.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
What did the autistic kid order at a restaurant?
A disorder.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
What do you call a cripple convention? A salad.
You’re so fat; if you go outside now, you’d be arrested for breaking social distancing guidelines.
The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.
"I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.
"Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.
What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow? Toothpaste.
I'm hertophobic.
It means I'm allergic to straights.
What store has the most vegetables?
A nursing home.