Health jokes
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
What do you call 1 normal kid and 2 retarded kids smoking weed?
Pot roast.
Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.
Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."
Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"
Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cuCUMber.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My father didn’t beat cancer.
What do you call a person with cancer?
A ghost with a body.
Man, cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
Why do hospitals have air conditioning?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?
Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.
What do you get if you cross a loaf of bread with a vagina?
A yeast infection.
What’s the difference between masturbation and brain damage?
After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.
We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.
What's the difference between my ripped jeans and my arms?.
None.
You guys, this is my last time publishing something here. You guys have been sending rude comments, and I need to work on my mental health. Goodbye.