Health jokes
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.
"Give me the good news first," the patient said.
"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."
"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"I've been trying to reach you for two days."
What do you call 1 normal kid and 2 retarded kids smoking weed?
Pot roast.
Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.
Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."
Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"
Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"
Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"
Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
What's long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cuCUMber.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My father didn’t beat cancer.
What do you call a person with cancer?
A ghost with a body.
Man, cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.
What do you get if you cross a loaf of bread with a vagina?
A yeast infection.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton laugh at the joke?
A: He broke his funny bone!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well!
Robert doesn’t see people, the man just sees meals.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!
If you are dehydrated, you should get well soon.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew.
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."