Health jokes

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Having a stroke?

Stop it!

Why can’t the blind man see?

He just can’t see. 🫤

Have you ever heard of hearing aids?

Yeah, me neither.

What time is it when you have a toothache?

2:30 (Tooth hurty).

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

Q: What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Uber Eats?

A: The abortion clinic doesn't deliver.

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.

If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

What did Stephen Hawking have for breakfast? His left shoulder.

If you think the guy calling you fat is offensive,

Try salad 🥗.

Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?

What is the best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

What do you call a Barbie doll that’s wearing scrubs?

A plastic surgeon. 😷

A book went to the doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got thesaurus throat ever.”

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Nie cut G.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”