When a girl was having an asthma attack, Ariana said, "Just keep breathing and breathing and breathin!!!!!"
Q) What is the ONLY zodiac sign ever to be surgically removed?
A) Cancer.
Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."
Nurse: *Laughs*
Kid: "Why are you laughing?"
Nurse: "When I get OLDER."
Proceeds to laugh.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
You reload and keep shooting.
My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait.
Yo mama eats so much that she spends her whole life on the toilet.
What do queer guys call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps!
Why'd the rubber go flying across the room?
Because it got pissed off!
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
I am like Cookie Monster on steroids when it comes to cookies.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."
Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
Book on Michael Jackson: Issued black; returned white.
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
I hate wearing a mask in public.
A disabled man stands up.
A blind man says, "You can stand?"
A deaf man says, "You can see?"
A mute person says, "You can hear?"
The disabled man says, "You can talk!"
Doctor: "What the actual f**k"
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
A husband walks into the bedroom door holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asked what that was for.
"It is for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He smiles. "Gotcha!!!!"
When you get to feel a dick in you, then suck bro, all your stress [goes] out the window.
