Shoulder jokes
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
What motorway lane does Stephen Hawking use?
Hard shoulder.
ISIS recently brought out a new shampoo.
Head and Shoulders!
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo?
Head and Shoulders.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
What’s Stephen Hawking’s favorite food?
His left shoulder.
You know how Joe Biden is happy?
When he is rubbing a little girls' shoulders and eating ice cream.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
A cold shoulder.
A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.
One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."
Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."
Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"
All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"
The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"
Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"
Why do orphans cry alone?
They do not have a mom's lap to sit on and a shoulder to cry on.
Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?
She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.
Have you ever heard Stephen Hawking sing?
"Head, shoulders, wheels and frames, wheels and frames!"
I had to go to the doctor for a prostate exam. When he stuck it in, I started to squirm, so he held onto my shoulder.
I thought it was going well, until he grabbed my other shoulder as well.
A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.
The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.
After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.
Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"
How do orphan jokes start?
Checking your shoulder.
How did people know the 9/11 victims had a lot of dandruff?
Their head and shoulders were all over New York City!
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...