God jokes
What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.
Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!
Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!
Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
Women treat me like a god.
They ignore me till they need something.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.
(Later)
"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"
God creating bees.
God: "Put a needle on their butt."
Angel: "Come on, God, wha-"
God: "Make its puke delicious."
Angel: "WTF"
Sex is like math.
Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.
A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.
“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.
“It’s because God made you special,” she said.
“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
I arrived at work and saw a kid crying. I walked up to the kid and asked, "Hey, where are your parents?" and the kid just cried more. God, I love working at an orphanage.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"
Why did God build a stairway to heaven?
So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.