What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

What’s the most fun a monk can have?

Nun.

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

"Amen “Amen” “Amen”

Hail satan.

…

Oh sorry I forgot which religion I was pretending to respect.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

Where did Noah keep his bees? – In the ark hives.

How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an alter boy.

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!) As they’re approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end. Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven. He says to the first nun : “Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man”? Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says : Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don’t let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven". St. Peter says : “Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. Sister Carmel sees what’s going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently. “Pssst - hey Bernie”!, she says. Sister Bernadette asks : “What is it?” A little annoyed. Sister Carmel says : “Do you mind if we swap places”? Sister Bernadette replies : “What for”? Sister Carmel says : “Well, I wouldn’t mind gargling before you stick your ass in there”!

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

A priest, a rapist, a pedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar…

He orders a drink.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. – Which makes me an eighth theist.

What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? – A pimp.