Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? – A pimp.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.

How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an alter boy.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

Where did Noah keep his bees? – In the ark hives.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?

Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. – Which makes me an eighth theist.

What’s the most fun a monk can have?