Religion jokes

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?

A: 'Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What's the most fun a monk can have?

Nun.

How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Why can't Jesus play hockey?

He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?

Yeah, they're pretty holey.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?