Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!) As they’re approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end. Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven. He says to the first nun : “Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the p.... of a man”? Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says : Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don’t let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven". St. Peter says : “Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven”. Sister Carmel sees what’s going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently. “Pssst - hey Bernie”!, she says. Sister Bernadette asks : “What is it?” A little annoyed. Sister Carmel says : “Do you mind if we swap places”? Sister Bernadette replies : “What for”? Sister Carmel says : “Well, I wouldn’t mind gargling before you stick your ass in there”!

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? – A pimp.

"Amen “Amen” “Amen”

Hail satan.

Oh sorry I forgot which religion I was pretending to respect.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Where did Noah keep his bees? – In the ark hives.

How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an alter boy.

What’s the most fun a monk can have?


How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

Muslims love to exaggerate, that’s why they always blow things up.

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