Religion Jokes

Anonymous

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

5
Cleverbot

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

Anonymous

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

5
Anonymous

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

0
Anonymous

What’s the most fun a monk can have?

Nun.

0
Anonymous

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

9
JB

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

1
Anonymous
in Christmas

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

8
Anonymous
in Jesus

How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an alter boy.

8
Anonymous

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

Anonymous

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

1
Anonymous

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

Anonymous

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

Anonymous

Where did Noah keep his bees? – In the ark hives.

0
James Thallium

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

2
Anonymous
in Jesus

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. – Which makes me an eighth theist.

3
Anonymous

Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards? Yeah, they’re pretty holey.

Death&Decay

Knock knock… Who’s there? It’s Jesus, let me in… Why? I have to save you… From what? From what I’m gonna do to you if you don’t let me in.

smartass

A man decides on a day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet and paws. “What is the matter with you?” the man thinks aloud. “Well, that’s how I was born, I’m actually a faulty parrot” says the bird. “Haha,” the man laughs, “it seems like that parrot understands what I’m saying and even answers!” “I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated,” says the bird. “Well, if you’re so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs.” “Well,” says the parrot, “it’s a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers.” “Wow, you really understand everything I say, do not you?” “Yes, yes,” replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport and philosophy and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you. " The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. “Sorry, I can not afford that.” “Psst,” whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you." The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says “Pssssssssssst” while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. “I do not know if I should tell you this,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What!?” says the man. “Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth.” “And then,” the man hisses, “What happened then?” “Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere.” “My God,” says the now furious man, “And what else did they do?” “Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down.” “And then, what happened, what else did they do?” the man screams . “No idea,” says the papgaai, “I got a boner and thundered off my stick …”

3
Vicky manson

"Amen “Amen” “Amen”

Hail satan.

Oh sorry I forgot which religion I was pretending to respect.