Religion Jokes

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?

A: Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them

How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

What's the most fun a monk can have?

Nun.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you.. From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.

Where did Noah keep his bees? -- In the ark hives.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards? Yeah, they're pretty holey.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. -- Which makes me an eighth theist.