What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

How does Moses prepare his tea? – Hebrews it.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne? – Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.

When I was little I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike, I learned one week in Sunday school that that’s not how it works, so instead i just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

How do you get a nun pregnant? – Dress her up as an alter boy.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

What’s the most fun a monk can have?

Nun.

Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into towers.

When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy. But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats? – A pimp.

Cannibal eats missionary, gets a taste for religion

Where did Noah keep his bees? – In the ark hives.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

I was raised a Catholic and my priest told me when I was 12, “God is watching you when you masturbate”.

I said, “Is God a pedophile too, Father?”

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? – American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.

Whats the difference between NASA and religion

NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. – Which makes me an eighth theist.