What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.
What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?
They're both pointless.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Shrek thought he was ugly until he saw you.
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Derek Vinyard?
A shaved head, a chest tattoo, and a moustache.
What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?
Little kids leave preschool.
What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.
I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.
What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.
