Comparison

Comparison Jokes

Football Team

What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

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  • Grape

    What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

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  • Friend

    My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

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  • Morbid humor

    What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying, "ten babies in one trashcan." Morbid humor would be saying, "one baby in ten trashcans."

    Child

    My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"

    Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."

    Suicide

    I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.

    Life

    What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

    They're both pointless.

    Dad

    My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

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  • Roast

    Roses are red, violets are blue, Shrek thought he was ugly until he saw you.

    Difference

    What's the difference between Donald Trump and Derek Vinyard?

    A shaved head, a chest tattoo, and a moustache.

    Woman

    Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

    Basement

    What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

    Little kids leave preschool.

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  • Baby

    What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

    About 140 calories.

    Money

    What is the difference between giving money to a prostitute and giving money to a church? A prostitute won't tell you that it is more blessed to give than it is to receive.

    Rapist

    What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?

    One of them knows the definition of no.

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  • Hairline

    I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.

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  • Incest

    What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.