Belief jokes
I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?
A: 'Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.
Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction."
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"
A preacher was selling a horse. A cowboy decided to buy the horse. The preacher told the cowboy to make the horse go, to say "Thank God" and to stop the horse, to say "Hallelujah". The cowboy then rode off into the sunset until he came upon a cliff, searching his memory he yelled "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped just before going off the cliff. Then the cowboy said "Thank God".
Police: Where do you live? Blonde: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Blonde: With me. Police: Where do you all live? Blonde: Together. Police: Where is your house? Blonde: Next to my neighbor's house. Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Blonde: If I tell you, you won't believe me. Police: Tell me. Blonde: Next to my house.
If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.
What does B.I.B.L.E. stand for?
Bull Shit In Book Lacking Evidence.
Does it cycle now?
Why do heterosexual men and heterosexual women believe that bisexual men don't exist because male bisexuality doesn't exist? Because it doesn't cycle 🚲.
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.
Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.
A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"
The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.
The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"
"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion. They would call it crucifact.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"