Foot jokes

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

What's 6ft long, red, and my girlfriend cries when I feed it to her?

A miscarriage.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet?

The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face...

You don't need brains to be a Boss.

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any asshole will do.

Where did Sally go after the gunshot?

6 feet under.

*That is how deep they put the coffin...*

If you're serious, congratulations on getting this far in life with absolutely no comprehension of reality.

If you had this kind of knowledge about driving a car, you'd be sitting 30 feet away from it, throwing pieces of pickles at a barn and shouting ‘shazam’ into an empty iPhone case, wondering why the car wasn't moving.

Yo mama so fat that she broke the scale when she put one foot on it.

Jesus has a twisted humor.

kittens cute cuddly and loveable oh yeah, I almost forgot, add razors that stick out [of] their feet.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

Yo mama's feet are so fat, she had to wear a sock on each toe.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

Other girls be like, "I want a 6ft guy", meanwhile I want to be 6ft under. 😃👍

God creating cats.

GOD: Make the most fluffy cute thing you can think of.

ANGEL: Ok.......................................anything else?

GOD: YES, PUT RAZOR BLADES ON ITS FEET!!!!!!!!