My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”
“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"
I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.
I'm not saying I hate you, but if you got hit by a bus, I'd be driving that bus.
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."
People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?
If you are ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
Suicide is the way to get even with the bitch called probability.
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
